“When I was fighting a man named Colt, text appeared written in Arial 10pt and attached to my backside while I ran into a huge firefight. As I was shot to death, it read, “All enemies in this area are dead.” My hips are lying.
In the same mission, the level design was so ambiguous about where I should go next that I pressed myself up against every unopenable door, of which there are at least a tantalising 10 in each level, for a chance to press E to open, only to realise that warehouse walls sometimes slide open automatically when you go near them. So then I started grinding myself against perimeter walls like a cat in heat in case they magically opened to send me to the next part of the level.”
My first 1/10 review at Eurogamer. Please feel free to put your alternatives to ‘dong-bandage’ in the comments, as some users have gladly done.